It is weird to be conscious of something you do, know its not serving you well, and not fix it. I haven’t figured out how to get to that last part, but I have become aware of my own sabotaging behaviors.
Let me start by telling a bit about my success story because I think it plays a part in my negative self-talk. Almost 2 years ago, I lost 30 lbs through Beachbody fitness and nutrition products with the help of a coach like me. It was weight that I carried for years after childbirth and struggled to lose on my own. I spent those years living in a cycle of disappointment with myself.
You see, I am a driven and disciplined person in many areas of my life. I was a serial academic having completed several advanced degrees and worked my way up the corporate ladder to a leadership position. I achieved all of that by setting my mind to a goal and being dedicated to the work that was required to achieve it. So that fact that I did not apply this discipline to my own health was a disappointment to me.
Luckily, I found the approach that changed my life and through the commitment I made to my coach and my accountability group, I finally put forward that dedication to myself. I lost the weight, I exceeded my fitness expectations, and I transformed the way I approached my life. I am more happy today than ever.
However, my insecurities didn’t just dissolve away with the weight. I have always struggled with my own self-image. Perhaps you didn’t know this about me…I hide it well with my out-going personality and humor. Humor has been my cloak of comfortabiity my entire life. I have come to terms with some of my insecurities and they don’t creep up and change my outlook on life…but not all of them.
I know what I have done is elevated my outlook on life so at least I am starting from a higher plateau. However, I am watching myself sabotage my personal achievement of fitness. I think what is happening is that my mind doesn’t know how to function in a high level of appreciation for myself. I can provide this to others and give them the credit they deserve and not allow them to discount their achievements…but not so much for myself.
Why is that? Why can’t we give ourselves the same credit we give others? I have watched myself standing at the pantry eating chocolate morsels or the kids’ sugar cereal at 10 pm at night. I have told myself to just stop and walk away, but I don’t. I tell myself that I won’t be able to make further progress with fitness or even maintain my current level if I stand here and “closet eat” after everyone is in bed.
Here is what I think is happening. I eat food that is bad for me at the worst time of day, I feel bad about myself and can continue to beat myself up about it. Here is the screwy part of insecurities…I am predisposed to NOT fix it. If I fix this, I won’t have this cycle of negative self-image and self-sabotaging behaviors. I don’t know why, but the cycle is easier to stay in than break out of.
So I don’t have a solution or a take away that can help people. I am just recognizing the messed up cycle my mind is working in. I recognize that it is keeping me from my goals. Why would it be so scary for me to reach my higher goals? You’d think it would be good to get out of the cycle. Maybe the scary part is that it will turn my mind to deeper issues? Is this a cover up?
So I will ask my readers…why is it so hard to break out of our insecurities? What are your methods for stopping self-sabotaging behavior?
Jenny Dobmeier is a fitness and nutrition coach sharing her real world challenges as a working mom trying to keep it all in balance. Her mission is help people who have lost themselves in the demands of their career and family gain control by offering personal support through a step-by-step approach that you can fit into your busy life.